So I’m not alone on this shitstorm journey. I brought an unwilling passenger along. Geeze daughter, I’ve been so caught up in my own pain and suffering that I failed to glance in your direction.
The stability of our family unit has been blasted to smitherines . Your dad disappoints on so many levels. Master manipulator he appears distraught at the strained state of his relationship with you. What better way to appear sincere than to offer gifts . “Bella (one of his 🐴horses). is yours Kel. Why don’t you come up and see her. We can train up the coast together . “ In between promises , he states his case for my dismal lack of contribution to our life together. “ Your mother hasn’t done anything in our business.” He let’s you know you haven’t done your part either. “ I’m disappointed Kel that you haven’t kept me informed this week about the health of your grandfather .”
Here’s the thing. You are one hell of a major force to be reckoned with. I bow to your resilience and learn from your pure heart and strength. I’m unsure that being an adult when your parents implode is better than being a child. You have some adult perspective but the foundation of your world is cracked . Add in one parent’s mental illness and manipulative behavior for his own betterment to the mix and the result is a full blown earthquake size 8 on the Richter scale .
On the other hand, Your mom is an emotional train wreck. Girl I am slipping. Room mom, Girl Scout troop leader , NCL chapter president did not prepare me for this! I am on a very slim tight rope above the twin towers post airplane 1 gripping my butter coated feet to the steely coil trying to make my way to the window where I see you searching for a way out. We are both perilously holding on .
Despite my fears and uncertainty and pain, I do know this:
I have faith in us. We are boundtogether in love and thecertainty of showing up for each other. When life gives us lemons, we make lemon drops or myfavorite new drink , bees knees…
Dear friends , please find your bees knees and have an inspiring incredible Sunday . Look up from your path and SEE those who need you – slippery or steady toed. You do make a difference!
Progress. Little by little. Next chapter. Sign me up for the unknown!
Today started sluggish and stressful and slid into fan shit flying everywhere. Realization happens.
Bipolar spouse is wooing unknown romantic squeeze chick on my dime and in my real estate using my elite mileage status points for first class airfare with my credit card. There is a limit to understanding. Reap what you sow Dude! Bully no more. This is the catalyst I need to put on those big girl panties and start the next chapter. It’s almost anticlimactic. Sadly my marriage has become a cliche. I will not be a cliche.
I choose me!
I know there is a good man inside of the cliche yet his shell is made of impenetrable bat dung smelling like flamingos at the zoo. No thank you. I am willing to inch along to a new life alone.
I’m not stuck feeling weepy anymore!
I choose me!!!!!!!!
Are you struggling? Feeling so sad for the loss? Please share…🐩🌴
I needed this little guy today . Soft , fuzzy , comforting. Haha I am regressing from dog lady to stuffed animal weirdo . Wait, I reject this concept! Am I really so odd to want to find comfort and rebuff the negative ions spewed my way? I much rather focus on happiness finds than staying in a dark underbelly of sad facts to share another day. Please repeat after me :
Happy bubble protects my soul and defines the dome surrounding me. Safe , content , calm. Some might suggest living in a state of “happy bubble “ is unrealistic. If Echhart Tolle can have his pain body, I can have my damn Happy bubble!
Be kind to yourself today and find comfort where you can and remember :
Out of the ashes comes great beauty🌸.
Jumpinkat’s Happy Thought Toolbox:
One of my inspiring instagram finds @katieholmes.counselling always gives me a boost and offers thought provoking clarity when I need it. Katie also leads me to new finds . Check her out.
Inspiration, happy bubbles and cute little stuffies are all I’ve got today . Please feel free to share how you find your joy. For now my dear travelers in life I bid thee Adieu. 🚁🚁🤷♀️🐕
Today was a tough day… Romantic lunch At Kings . Hardly . Meeting my husband for our anniversary lunch to discuss all that is wrong in our marriage and the reasons divorce is necessary gives me an unpleasant general feeling of impending doom and queasiness in my stomach.
I am struggling with such sadness and loss. At the same time I need to compose myself and play a game of cat and mouse to accomplish my goals. I’m not ready to file for divorce and want to avoid rash decisions driven by alcohol. My bipolar / alcoholic spouse can’t face his demons or accept blame. Mark’s reality is that every problem in our marriage relates to me. My lack of desire for intimacy, and need to set boundaries for a peaceful home have destroyed our marriage. He is feeling righteously indignant and projects coldness and disdain for me. This is his reality. He chooses to be married to alcohol not me. I am heartbroken. Feeling discarded, tossed out like trash. I weave between emotional carnage and intellectual awareness understanding that illness is driving Mark’s roller coaster. Detachment takes work. I’m not completely there yet.
Choosing to sacrifice our 25 year marriage to fuel his monster demon alcohol and live his “lifestyle”. Please define what living your “lifestyle” means. Doing whatever the F you want without regards to me? Sex , drugs, rock and roll ! Go Mark go. Incredible selfishness and lack of empathy are characteristics of bipolar and self medicating people. FACT: Why are you BOTHERING to take Latuda at all? Drinking alcohol while taking meds for bipolar illness counter acts against the prescribed meds and makes them less effective! Hello , are you listening Dude? Nope.
And, then there’s retail therapy. My Nordstrom card never rejects me! A pretty new pair of pink Mother jeans and Maxwell boucle striped top gives me a happy boost and reminds me of life’s joys. Please feel free to share how you pick yourself up from the ruins? I may just borrow your idea.