Well , today I woke up sad and unmotivated to do much of anything. For a doer , I struggle with the constant multitasker juggling act. I feel best juggling . Lately, I have to push myself to tackle at least one “Do”. Feet first heart will follow . No shuffling feet today.
Well, I’ll copy paste a productive day’s thoughts and feel accomplished! Ha!
Writing this story about my journey as the wife of a bipolar complex man requires every fibre of my being to break the shackles of solitude that are hard to share and difficult to relive. My raw vulnerability bubbles up in waves of grief, anger and loss that capture the life of both the well and ill in a parallel dance of pain and suffering that is lived on the roller coaster of mental illness. Unpredictability is a given. Who will I meet today? Friend or foe? Critical delusional partner or undeserving sad man? I am constantly disappointed and hopeful that the soul hiding behind this distorted mask will reappear as my knight in shining armour .
I have never felt more terribly alone as I do at this moment. How does one describe the loss of a living spouse, best friend and life partner? Where do I turn? How do I help him, save myself and comfort and shield my child ? The trek is rugged and my feet are blistered. One day at a time. Let go let God. ( Alanon/AA saying). I’ll cling to just about any inspiration.