Indecision

I hoped propelling myself shore bound from the gentle turquoise Pacific sea would spur my courage and catalyze my determination to sever ties of my dysfunctional relationship. Move on to the unknown. Brave new world . Cleaner, less troublesome and based solely on me. And yet, I fell backwards into the surf wanting to linger a few more minutes. Floating , kicking , and taking in the green and brown hues of diamond head contrasting with the pink lady of Waikiki Beach her majesty Royal Hawaiian Hotel. I soaked in each salty breath , tropic breeze and gentle wave.

Indecision ! I need help !!!!!!!!

This week I vow to explore what’s holding me back.

I challenge each and everyone one of you to investigate what’s holding you back from living your best life! Aloha 🌸

Diamond Head’s a calling

Happiness is a balance of what you need and what you want

I needed this little guy today . Soft , fuzzy , comforting. Haha I am regressing from dog lady to stuffed animal weirdo . Wait, I reject this concept! Am I really so odd to want to find comfort and rebuff the negative ions spewed my way? I much rather focus on happiness finds than staying in a dark underbelly of sad facts to share another day. Please repeat after me :

HAPPY BUBBLE

Happy bubble protects my soul and defines the dome surrounding me. Safe , content , calm. Some might suggest living in a state of “happy bubble “ is unrealistic. If Echhart Tolle can have his pain body, I can have my damn Happy bubble!

Be kind to yourself today and find comfort where you can and remember :

Out of the ashes comes great beauty🌸.

Jumpinkat’s Happy Thought Toolbox:

Aesop is yummy and charms my senses into happiness. Spray liberally!!!!
Lululemon travel bag . So many zipped happy compartments for my pillow IPad and travel delights. Rafa here I come…

One of my inspiring instagram finds @katieholmes.counselling always gives me a boost and offers thought provoking clarity when I need it. Katie also leads me to new finds . Check her out.

Inspiration, happy bubbles and cute little stuffies are all I’ve got today . Please feel free to share how you find your joy. For now my dear travelers in life I bid thee Adieu. 🚁🚁🤷‍♀️🐕

Dear Facebook,

Well there’s no easy way to say this Facebook. Your happy memories suck! Would you quit, I mean quit sending me memory photos of happy times ! My heart feels ripped out every moment I see one of your Uber significant eight years ago you were enjoying a special memory day seeing where you were married! Yesterday the perky perfect Caribbean backdrop with us on a Jetski sent shivers down my spine and I wailed like a widow. That was five years ago today. The man in those pictures is not present now or maybe ever again! The man in front of me doesn’t consider my feelings on any level. He ignores reality. He is self centered and impulsive, paranoid and in denial that any of his behaviors play a role in his 8 month “sabbatical “ from being welcome to live in our home. I can’t trust one word out of his mouth. These “happy memories” make me want to vomit .

F-book, can you please add a dislike option to remove happy memories as the first thing I see opening your ap? Or better yet, just stop sending any! There are always back stories to these photos.

I look at these memories differently now . How much inner turmoil was Hubby hiding ? Was anything real?

Pictures on Facebook don’t lose their lustre. So chin up Kat and remember….

Setting boundaries for a mentally ill or self medicating spouse is ok! I have the right to say what is acceptable behavior to enjoy the privilege of a life with me. My Magna Carta for our current marriage was “In order for you to live here at our home, you need to be in treatment and not self medicating with alcohol or drugs.” This seems self evident and reasonable.

Sadly after a short stay in a psych hospital and 6 weeks in-patient rehab including a three day family program where I poured my heart out to perfect strangers, Mark announced that he wanted to “be honest” and would be drinking cocktails here or there. (He has been in AA for the previous three years post totaling his car and spending his birthday in jail for a DUI. ) This time prescription drug abuse and outrageous behavior were the impetus for his new holiday.

Simply stated. Ouch. His choice is not me. He’s chosen a mistress named Vodka. Like a petulant child, Mark attempts to challenge the house borders without complying to my boundary. He has threatened divorce and blames me for all that is wrong with our marriage. But , I’m still standing strong. I feel emotionally bruised and battered yet behind my inviting blue front door is a calm home where I can breath peacefully. I understand there is likely an illness here. Yet, the man has SOME responsibility for his actions! Today I’m feeling more anger than empathy . I think it’s self preservation as I grapple for clarity and dust myself off and attempt to fill voids of time in limbo land.

” The man I married cannot be the source of my happiness or sorrow” –Quoted from page 183 One Day at a time in Al-Anon

PS I ❤️❤️❤️❤️ the new Nike’s !!

Jumpin forward in these Kicks!

Happy Anniversary…

Today was a tough day… Romantic lunch At Kings . Hardly . Meeting my husband for our anniversary lunch to discuss all that is wrong in our marriage and the reasons divorce is necessary gives me an unpleasant general feeling of impending doom and queasiness in my stomach.

I am struggling with such sadness and loss. At the same time I need to compose myself and play a game of cat and mouse to accomplish my goals. I’m not ready to file for divorce and want to avoid rash decisions driven by alcohol. My bipolar / alcoholic spouse can’t face his demons or accept blame. Mark’s reality is that every problem in our marriage relates to me. My lack of desire for intimacy, and need to set boundaries for a peaceful home have destroyed our marriage. He is feeling righteously indignant and projects coldness and disdain for me. This is his reality. He chooses to be married to alcohol not me. I am heartbroken. Feeling discarded, tossed out like trash. I weave between emotional carnage and intellectual awareness understanding that illness is driving Mark’s roller coaster. Detachment takes work. I’m not completely there yet.

Choosing to sacrifice our 25 year marriage to fuel his monster demon alcohol and live his “lifestyle”. Please define what living your “lifestyle” means. Doing whatever the F you want without regards to me? Sex , drugs, rock and roll ! Go Mark go. Incredible selfishness and lack of empathy are characteristics of bipolar and self medicating people. FACT: Why are you BOTHERING to take Latuda at all? Drinking alcohol while taking meds for bipolar illness counter acts against the prescribed meds and makes them less effective! Hello , are you listening Dude? Nope.

And, then there’s retail therapy. My Nordstrom card never rejects me! A pretty new pair of pink Mother jeans and Maxwell boucle striped top gives me a happy boost and reminds me of life’s joys. Please feel free to share how you pick yourself up from the ruins? I may just borrow your idea.

Crazy Daisy’s smile is contagious!

This is scary

Wish I had a road map for writing this blog, creating the website or navigating my life for that matter! Winging it in the one foot in front of the other is a well worn technique. Fake it till you make it kids. So here goes. I can’t share all the details at once. Like life, they will unfold.

Hello world!

I’m trying to live my best life !  Buckle up, it’s sometimes a very bumpy and lonely ride being married to a bipolar spouse.  Join me in creating life balance and finding joy despite the struggle of living near mental illness.  I’m not an expert and welcome your respectful thoughts.  I seek clarity, hope and inspiration.

Happy blogging!