Today was a tough day… Romantic lunch At Kings . Hardly . Meeting my husband for our anniversary lunch to discuss all that is wrong in our marriage and the reasons divorce is necessary gives me an unpleasant general feeling of impending doom and queasiness in my stomach.
I am struggling with such sadness and loss. At the same time I need to compose myself and play a game of cat and mouse to accomplish my goals. I’m not ready to file for divorce and want to avoid rash decisions driven by alcohol. My bipolar / alcoholic spouse can’t face his demons or accept blame. Mark’s reality is that every problem in our marriage relates to me. My lack of desire for intimacy, and need to set boundaries for a peaceful home have destroyed our marriage. He is feeling righteously indignant and projects coldness and disdain for me. This is his reality. He chooses to be married to alcohol not me. I am heartbroken. Feeling discarded, tossed out like trash. I weave between emotional carnage and intellectual awareness understanding that illness is driving Mark’s roller coaster. Detachment takes work. I’m not completely there yet.
Choosing to sacrifice our 25 year marriage to fuel his monster demon alcohol and live his “lifestyle”. Please define what living your “lifestyle” means. Doing whatever the F you want without regards to me? Sex , drugs, rock and roll ! Go Mark go. Incredible selfishness and lack of empathy are characteristics of bipolar and self medicating people. FACT: Why are you BOTHERING to take Latuda at all? Drinking alcohol while taking meds for bipolar illness counter acts against the prescribed meds and makes them less effective! Hello , are you listening Dude? Nope.
And, then there’s retail therapy. My Nordstrom card never rejects me! A pretty new pair of pink Mother jeans and Maxwell boucle striped top gives me a happy boost and reminds me of life’s joys. Please feel free to share how you pick yourself up from the ruins? I may just borrow your idea.
This is scary
Wish I had a road map for writing this blog, creating the website or navigating my life for that matter! Winging it in the one foot in front of the other is a well worn technique. Fake it till you make it kids. So here goes. I can’t share all the details at once. Like life, they will unfold.
I’m trying to live my best life ! Buckle up, it’s sometimes a very bumpy and lonely ride being married to a bipolar spouse. Join me in creating life balance and finding joy despite the struggle of living near mental illness. I’m not an expert and welcome your respectful thoughts. I seek clarity, hope and inspiration.